How many do I have to say I am not mad at Mike for dying? How many times do I have to say, “I’m not mad, he didn’t leave me on purpose, he didn’t want to leave me” I’ll tell you how many times... until you admit that you are. Maybe it’s not anger, maybe its hurt but you manifest it in anger. I want to be happy again. I want to just have what I lost. I should be angry, right? After all he did leave me here all alone in Alabama to fend for myself. The house, the yard, the bills, the car, all responsibility is on me now. Some people feel as though I have more time free since he’s gone, but it’s the opposite. I am doing my chores and his. I’m progressing through this journey from grief to Joy pretty smoothly, right? You know, you read my stories of how I’m riding through with the wind on my back and sailing through all the emotions like a duck on the water. Just letting all the small things roll off my back…Except not this month. I want to fill the missing void I have in my heart. I want to laugh at someone’s jokes, walk hand in hand, go to dinner and add a new favorite on my iphone list. I met someone. A new favorite person. Then an incident happened, my bubble was burst and I became one of the mean girls. It was not my character. This is not who I am. I didn’t pray for God to take away my pain or my hurt instead I lashed out. You know what I’m talking about when you get upset at your boss, co-worker or a dispute with a friend and you come home and yell at your husband for leaving his clothes on the floor. Well, I did this, sorta, I didn’t pick my battles I chose them all. I had a quiver full of responses and none of them good, and I shot them all.
I let out all my anger that I had pushed under the rug. After days of making “everything” a reason to unleash my bow and arrow I had a come to Jesus meeting. Broken, full of guilt and worn out I prayed and cried a tubful of tears. These were not cleansing tears, and I did not feel better. These were tears of shame and remorse. Why would anyone forgive me? My tongue was my sword. The Bible acknowledges how difficult it can be to control the tongue, but as a Christian we must do his best. Proverbs 12:18 says “Thoughtless speech is like the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise is healing” The Bible doesn’t state that our tongue is a 2 edged sword but it can certainly cut like one. Proverbs 18:21 confirms by saying “Death and Life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits”. Maybe you haven’t lashed out at someone but you’ve gossiped and misused the power of words. We all need to tame our tongues. Ephesians 4:29 states “Let no corrupting talk come from your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” My guilt and shame came as convictions, because as Christians we feel convicted for the things we do. I prayed and asked for forgiveness, and in person to the one I wronged. I believe that sometimes Satan can get ahold of us and just whisper in our ears what we want to hear, but God will always let it work for the good. I feel like I’ve been to a good old fashioned Southern Baptist revival & reborn. Isn’t it refreshing to know that God forgives us of our sins? God’s mercy and grace is ours. All we need to do is ask. Taylor